So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
