My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
