The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
