I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
