I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
