there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
