A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
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Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
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I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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