Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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