I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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