I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
