He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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