Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
