I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
