Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
