Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
