The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
