my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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