you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
