So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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