if i can run in heels then i can drive
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
