She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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