So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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