I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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