Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
