I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
As shirtless as possible
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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