I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
