i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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