His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Oh god it's open bar.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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