Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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