Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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