I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
