I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
