My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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