That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
