dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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