Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My ass is underappreciated
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
