Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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