Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
