So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Randomize
