Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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