you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
