I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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