I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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