i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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