You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
