I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
