Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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