dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
