Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
