She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
