I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
