My friends, they love my intelligence
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
