never play flip cup with pint glasses
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
