Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
