things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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