At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
