The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
a search helicopter?!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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