I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
