oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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