Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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