Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
