Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
