So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think I sprained my soul last night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
