As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
