When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
